Dark to light

In life we go through trials, and it’s up to us to navigate the best way to get through them. When I was in my late 20s I went through one of the hardest times in my life. My brother ended his life at a young 27 years of age. For months, I couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. At this point, I didn’t have a very committed relationship with God, if any at all. Already a mother of three, I was at the end of my rope. I was severely depressed and ready to give up. Soon after his death, I realized I’d not only lost him but had begun losing all my friends and outside family. It seemed they were afraid to be around us. Suicide is a taboo that no one wants to talk about, we sadly learned. In the months ahead, I was barley living.

About six months after his death, I became ill. I was unaware that my life was about to completely change, again. It was at the doctor’s I’d discovered I was pregnant with my fourth child. At first, I laughed at the idea. Then I cried when the test came back. I didn’t realize in that moment God was beginning to work on me. I thought it was the worst timing. How could I give myself completely over to another human being when I was in so much despair? God has a plan for us, even when we don’t see it. Even when we aren’t ready, it’s in motion.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11).

Without this miracle child, whom I call a miracle because she saved my life…I don’t know who I’d be. God knew I was in a desperate need of His love and guidance. She brought nothing but that and happiness into my life when I couldn’t comprehend what those words were. “The LORD is near the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).

I began changing as a person, and depression started to fade into the sunset. Before I knew it, my relationship with God was something amazing. I began studying the Bible, questioning everything I’d ever known. I soon came to the conclusion I’d have to relearn everything I was ever taught. Over the course of two years, after she was born, my entire life started to change for the best. I was finally committed to God. Out of one of the most tragic things that ever happened to me, something beautiful happened. “For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord” (Ephesians 5:8). I got to learn about my Creator and how much He loved me—something I thought I knew, but it wasn’t until desperation hit that I truly learned.

I’m in no way promoting that having a baby is the answer to our problems. I’m saying, how God knows what’s best for every single one of us as individuals. Even when we seem so alone in life, God is always right there with us. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1). He helped me get through life, when I didn’t think I could. When no one could help me, He gave me something He knew could. When you start to see the light, even if darkness is hovering over you, you’ll cling to it. “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it” (John 1:5).

I still am grieving, and I always will. With God, I am now better equipped to handle it. Knowing I will see my brother again, and that he is peacefully resting, keeps my mind at ease.